As long as you haven't been living under a rock for the last few years you know that instead of making resolutions, people are choosing a "one little word" that they hope will define their year. This is the third year I've chosen a word and embarrassingly I had to look back to see what my words were. Complete (2013) and Purpose (2014). I've read stories about people really focusing on these words and asking the Lord to make their year truly about that word. But honestly that didn't happen for me. I'm not good at finishing. Anything. Except dinner. And that's a whole other blog post.
I have to admit that when I started thinking about and asking God what my word should be this year I couldn't come up with anything. Nothing was sticking out. Until I remembered something he spoke to me late last Fall.
I've been struggling immensely with being a people pleaser. For some reason since moving my propensity to want everyone I know to be happy or satisfied with me and my choices has grown. I dealt with a massive amount of anxiety and something akin to depression from around mid-October until right after Christmas. It was debilitating. At one point I found myself in a store. I had a $10 credit that was going to expire. It took me over an hour to decide on what to buy. I got in line multiple times with multiple items and each time I worked myself up so much because I thought maybe I was spending our money incorrectly. Shouldn't I buy something around $10 so that I'm making the best use of the coupon? Or should I pick something more expensive that I usually wouldn't purchase since I have the credit? Kelsey Jane already has a lot of clothes. Was it frivolous to get something else for her? Should I try to but a gift for someone to use in the future? Is there something the boys needed? I should get something practical. What size will they be in next winter? Winter things are on sale. What if I get something and then next year it's the wrong size? Then I will have wasted this coupon?
And on and on and on. It was maddening to me. I could hear myself second guessing myself but I could NOT make a decision. And I don't even know who I was trying to please but man I was working hard to do it!
And so the Lord whispered again to me.
ONE. You live to please ONE.
Simple, but oh so hard to live out!
So this year I am focusing on the ONE who saved me. The ONE who gives me grace. The ONE who loves me. The ONE I want to be more like. The ONE I want to teach my children about. The ONE I want others to see in me.
I want to make choices because it's what the ONE would want me to do. Not because it's popular. Not because others would approve.
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ
I'm praying that at the end of this year I will be able to look back at my year and see where the ONE has been faithful to teach me about living this way. I don't want to be purposeful or resolute in saying these things because ultimately it's not about me. It's not about how hard I try or how much I want something. It's about what He wants to do in me. It's about what the ONE wants for me.
I can't wait to live it out!