Thursday, January 29, 2015

On Being Beautiful

Today in the car on the way to meet Daddy for lunch I hear my three year old say,

"Mama.  You are beautiful."

Just about everything causes tears these days (I blame it on being almost 38 weeks pregnant) and this was no exception.

"Daddy says you are beautiful Mama.  You are beautiful."

I got it together and told him thank you.  And that Mama loves to hear that.  And then he proceeded to do this hideous noise and say "MAMA" as loud as he could at the top of his lungs.  I hate that noise.  The moment was over.  But his words are etched into my heart.

* * *

I've been thinking a lot about words lately.  Words and how they represent who I am.  Blogging has been a place for me to record my thoughts and feelings.  My words  To record the boys' milestones.  To share my favorite pictures and recipes.  And occasionally to connect with others who seem to "get" me.

When I started blogging it was purely to be a "Mommy blog" and to share pictures and moments with family scattered across the country.  And then somewhere along the way page views and connecting it to other forms of social media and shares and likes and followers started crowding in.  Instead of writing what was on my heart or in my head I started wondering what people would want to read about.  I started wanting people to want to read.  And when they didn't I got upset.

What am I doing wrong?  Why don't I have more followers?  Why am I not meeting up with my Insta-friends in real life?

I feel like I should add a disclaimer here because I don't think any of these things are wrong.  I love that blogging is an outlet for people.  I love that it is a place for people to connect over issues and get support.  I love that men and women are able to provide for their family by writing and sharing!  These are just things that I had to deal with personally because I was looking at blogging the wrong way for me!

And then one day it was literally like God spoke to me and said,

"Is what I've given you not enough?"

And I realized that I was looking to a computer screen to validate myself.  Likes and shares and followers were more important to me than actually liking and sharing moments.  Moments with family.  Moments with friends.  Moments where I was learning something or experiencing something new.

So I took a month off.  And it changed everything!  I stopped looking at pageviews.  I starting living my life and recording it for me and for my family again.  The words that I write are MY story.  Our story.  It's about the moments when my three year old brings happy tears and when we get to announce another baby.  It's about the things that are hard (cancer, deployments, crohns...just to name a few from the last 3 years).  It's about the lessons I'm learning and hopefully the ones I'm teaching.  It's about having a space to be me.

And if no one connects?   That's ok!  It doesn't mean I'm less of a Mom.  Or not a good friend.  It certainly doesn't change the way I look in the eyes of the boys and this precious baby girl we can't wait to meet.  It doesn't determine my worth.  I believe I'm called to live life in the moment.  Can I share that?  Sure!  But should I derive my worth from who reads it?  Never.

And THAT is beautiful to me!!

*This was an old post...written before Kelsey was born.  Just in case you were confused and thought we'd gone back in time.


Kami said...

Beautiful said by a beautiful mama!

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