Saturday, August 22, 2015


I don't often sit down at my computer and set out to entertain you.  Sure I hope you enjoy reading about our family, and I pretend that you think my kids are as cute as I know they are.  But mostly I just love recording our life so we can look back.

Can I tell you what I don't love anymore?


Let me be more specific.  I'm mad that I have to shop for a fancy dress.

Next month I'm heading to Texas to the Rodan + Fields National Convention.  I'm pretty excited about it.  I think.  I am.  Really I am.  But I'm nervous about being away from my babies. And then there is that dress.

On Saturday night we have an awards ceremony.  People dress up.  I mean, here is what Dr. Rodan and Dr. Fields looked like last year.

I mean they already look like 20 years younger than they already are.  But those dresses?  Seriously?


I set out today to find a suitable dress.  Nothing too dressy, but something a little fancier than say, yoga pants.  Because honestly that's practically all I own.  I hadn't realized today how DEEP into the depths of motherhood lack of fashion I had sunk.

So at store number one things went pretty well.  I found a few cute tops and a dress that was decent, but it actually was too big (holla!!) so I decided to keep looking.  It's my go-to store so the experience was easy.  I got my typical pants size, shirt size...did my thing.

On to store two.  First of all.  Have you been in a department store lately?  How on earth do they fit all of that stuff in there?  It's like the purse from Harry Potter.  You think it's just a clothing store and you walk in and it's like Disneyland on crack.  So. Much. Stuff.  I literally walked around in circles for the first few minutes desperate to figure out which way to go.  I started with the bathroom because I knew what to do there.

Thankfully the bathroom was in the dress section!  I found some dresses that looked promising.  Familiar names like Ralph, Calvin.  You know.  Decent options.  Well, Calvin and Ann Taylor apparent do NOT agree on what a size 10 is.  I'm going with Ann because Calvin is CRAZY!  I can't even get his 10 over my head!!!  Not a great feeling.

I exicted the dressing room still feeling a lot of hope.  I had seen a pretty cute dress on the mannequin.  I walked around for another 200 years and finally found what I thought was the dress.  2X.  That's the only size available.  Three cheers for my 2X friends.  I am SO happy for you that there is a cute option.  But I WANTED THAT DRESS!!!!

Everything else basically looked like a crayon box had thrown up all over it.  But not even the good colors.  I walked around for a few more minutes but seriously could only find the cosmetic counters and this huge empty space where apparently all the dresses SHOULD be because there were no more in the store.

On to store number three.

And this is where it just all went to pot.  I mean seriously.  Kohls.  Usually it's a place to find decent deals.  They have great coupons.  You know why?  Because they REFUSE to organize any of their clothes?  I could have spent 14,000 hours looking through the racks and never found a thing in my size.  Summer with winter.  Petite with XL.  Dressy with yoga.  This is why they send you so many coupons in the mail.  They are paying you for your TIME!!!!

I headed over to a familiar name.  Good old LC.  I never watched her show but she's a cute girl.  Her clothes are stylish and I thought surely I could find something.  So I take in a dress, a couple of shirts and a neat little jacket.

First I tried on the dress.  It was a really pretty blue color.  A decent price.  Not so dressy that I'd never wear it again, but not so casual that I could wear it to a beach party.  You guys....I COULD NOT GET THAT THING ON!  Apparently LC and Calvin have something in common.  They have no clue about size.  Finally after everything was on and straightened out I started looked at myself in the mirror.  How did I not notice this HIDEOUS necklace that was hanging from the front of the shirt dress?  Gross.

Friends.  I can not get the dress off.  Literally I'm debating how I tell someone in the least awkward way. Do I exit the dressing room in the dress and ask someone to help?  Do I just take the tag off and pay for it and cut it off when I get home?  I did NOT wear cute underwear today, I really don't want to ask some random stranger to help me pull it over my head!!!! It wasn't as tight as I thought I was but I lifted the bottom up and I could not get it off my shoulders!!  Surely this wasn't a medium.  This had to be an XS.  My word!

Finally I get it off.  I'm sweating a little bit because this is hard stuff.  I frantically look at the tag because surely I am going to feel better when I see the size.  Nope.  Medium.  Crap!

I try on another shirt.  I KID.  YOU.  NOT.  The SAME thing happens?  Kohls!  Can you please label your hangers correctly?  I don't have time for this business!!  I can't be looking through every single item in your store to find my size!  Thankfully this one actually was a small.  But people....I seriously thought the thing was going to rip as it went over my shoulders!  I mean how embarrassing!!

On to the next one.  I look at the tag BEFORE I try this one on.  I should be good.  It looks nice.  Except you can see through it.  I get that people are into this sheer stuff.  That's cool.  But can't you be like Carter's or Gymboree and just provide a onesie for me that matches the outfit?  I do not have the time or the energy to go combing through your racks for another 37 hours just to find a white tank so people don't have to see all my business.


I'm defeated at this point friends.  I don't even bother to try on the last few things.  It's time to go. Seriously time to go.  I can not handle all the clothing rejection.  It's like each outfit was laughing at me.

Gone are the days of shopping for fun.  Now it's war.

I'll provide updates as this story progresses.  But now, I'm going to eat a donut.  You know, because that will help with the whole fitting thing.


Lauren Collier said...

This totally cracked me up! You know what? I have done the SAME THING. In a dressing room, in Kohls, panic setting in as I do some sort of bizarre dance maneuver trying to figure out how something can go on, but not come back off?!?! It was not like I grew in the 15 seconds I had that dress on!

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